Guest Post, because we're in trouble

From the Mommy Files: A Day Morning In The Life of Ms. Mommy

[WARNING: will probably contain some swearing]

I was awakened this morning by the angry shrieks of Earl, who had quietly slipped from his bed, scaled a piece of furniture, and gotten into some diaper balm. This was achieved by climbing the taller of the two Ikea Stuva cabinets in the nursery. It looks like this (the green and white):

The shelf, as you can see, had two small baskets pushed to the back of it. One of them contained a few diapering accessories. Earl used that little opening in the doors (both the doors and drawer have cabinet locks installed on the inside to keep little fingers from opening them) as a stepping foothold and managed to somehow stretch far enough to reach a basket. Then he tried to waterpoof himself. He did a pretty good job of it too. His hands and face were covered with Thirsties Booty Lustre cream. Fortunately, the jar was almost empty when he got it open. Also fortunate? The ingredients are all-natural, organic, and nothing to worry about if he got some in his mouth. 

I then fulfilled my lifelong dream of washing my child like a greasy pot. Hahaha! Just kidding. My dream was to bathe a child in Dawn at the crack of dawn. Sorry, I am full of lame jokes today. It helps me maintain that tenuous grasp I still have on my sanity. 

There followed some breakfast, then an episode of Super Why while I drank my coffee. After that, we moved outside, hoping to get some fresh air and exercise before temperatures hit 90+ degrees. It was then that I happened to notice something gross floating in the water table. It still had water in it from yesterday. It also had, upon closer inspection, half a dead slug in it. I can only assume that some asshole raccoon decided to wash his food last night, and for whatever reason decided not to finish his slug. What a jerk.

Public Enemy #1

Everyone has been screaming at me this morning, probably because they were up late last night thanks to the heatwave we're having and their bedrooms being 81 degrees, so I brought them back inside and tried to get all three set up with crayons and coloring books. Unfortunately, it's a losing battle keeping the toddlers from biting into their crayons like I've just served up an exotic delicacy rather than a wax coloring utensil. I turned around and Petunia had a freaking PENNY in her mouth! I don't even know where it came from! 

While I was typing this, Earl climbed up on the end table and started dismantling the lamp. Because lamps looks so much nicer when the base is removed from the section that holds the bulb and shade. 

Also need to clean my couch.

Then the three of them tore through the living room like a trio of small tornadoes. This mess took approximately two minutes to achieve. 

"What are you taking a picture of?" Hank asked.

"The living room," I replied.

"Oh. Why? Because it's so pretty?"

"Exactly."

It is only 9:30. Guess who is going down for a nap?! (Hint: Unfortunately, it's not me.)

Glamour Shot

So, how's your day going?